Guilt and the family caregiver

Sharon Brothers MSW

When my kids were little, they'd get sick and I'd start stressing. Should I take them to the doctor? Should I let the bug run its course?

Either option seemed to generate a bucket full of guilt. If I called in to the advice nurse the advice was - without fail - bring them in. I'd get to the doctor, and hear what sounded to my ears something like, "Don't worry so much. All kids get bugs from time to time. Don't be such an anxious mom." The doctor would give me the "lots-of-rest-and-plenty-of-fluids" advice, and I'd be home thinking about the time I'd wasted and the expense of taking a kid to the doctor - again - who didn't really need to go.

So the next time a kid got sick I'd say, "We're going to just let this bug run its course. We'll get plenty of rest and lots of fluids. I'm sure in a day or two she'll be fine."

A day or two later, the bug is no better so I finally take the child to the doctor. This time I hear, "Oh my god. Why on earth did you wait so long to bring the child in? She could have died!"

No matter which choice I made, I felt profound anxiety and guilt.

Caring for our aged parents seems to be much of the same: equal parts anxiety and guilt, no matter what we do.

As I read about Brooke Shields' response to reporters finding out about her mom's move into an assisted living community I thought about guilt.

It's easy to let guilt guide our decision-making. It's easy - but not wise. Just like my parenting guilt could have led me to take the kids to the doctor with each sniffle and sneeze, I learned to accept that either decision would most likely result in guilt. And then I made the decision that seemed, based on the facts as I knew then, to be the most appropriate.

With our aging parents we need to make decisions based on facts, too. We need to set feelings of guilt aside and ask ourselves - and our loved ones - what best meets their needs.

When my mom needed 4 people to help her to the bathroom, I had no option. I felt guilty about helping her into a nursing home, but I would have felt guiltier - and been a less responsible daughter - if I would have brought her to my home and then left her with no one to help while I attended to my own work and family needs.

While we're not parenting our parents, we are making choices and decisions, often without their input, on matters that affect nearly every aspect of their lives.

Try these questions to help you check whether you're making decisions based on fact - or on emotions like guilt:

Who can help? If your parent moves into a care community, someone will always be available to help. Often, more than one person will be available. Usually someone will be awake and ready to help even during the night. In a good care community, those helpers are trained and supervised by experienced caregivers. If you choose to leave your parent at home - yours or theirs - can they get the same level of attention and care?

What's my role? Often I hear from family caregivers that are exhausted from nighttime demands, or from caring for their own family, doing their own work, and then trying to do the tasks their loved one needs. Sit down and chat? Go through an old family photo album together? Who has time for that?! If your caregiving tasks demand all the energy you have available, who can provide the companionship and company to your loved one?

Is there joy? I'm a profound believer in finding joy in caregiving. Yes, a lot of the care we provide to loved ones - whether 2 or 102 - not a lot of fun, but is necessary. At the same time, we find ways when we're bathing the baby to laugh, make bubbles and sing together. What about when we're caring for an elderly loved one? Is there joy being shared? Laughter? Find a way to discover the joy in the relationship, or get help with the tasks so you can find new ways to a joyful relationship.

Caregiving, like parenting, will naturally have moments of guilt, anxiety and despair. But if we're caring because we're family, caregiving can also be filled with deep satisfaction and joy.

Are you a new dementia caregiver?

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Help a man with dementia and the Alzheimer's Association this Father's Day

Dear Friend and Loyal Follower,

Here is a dementia book that is a great gift fora man with dementia on Father's Day

Finding the right gift for the man with dementia this Father's Day is easy. There are many wonderful items you can buy or make that will make the time you spend together meaningful.

A pefect dementia book for you to get is a book by Susan Berg called: "Adorable Photographs of Our Baby -- Meaningful, Mind-Stimulating Activities and More for the Memory Challenged, Their Loved Ones and Involved Professionals". This book features baby photographs that men with dementia will love. This book shares a plethora of ideas and resources for you, the gift-giver. Men with dementia do love babies.

Thr author is donation a portion of the proceeds to the Alzheimer's Association
Another gift a dementia dad will fancy is a classic musical video or DVD. He will enjoy watching something from the good old days and singing the songs played throughout the picture. Here are a few suggestions: Top Hat, Swing Time, Follow the Fleet, or Shall We Dance.

Next is a sing a long CD or audio cassette of his favorite songs. One with Mitch Miller is a wonderful choice. You may want to get a sing a long video where loved ones can see and hear performers singing songs they love. A good seies is the Sing Along with Frank Woehrle series.

Here is another idea. Give him hand lotion, a manly scent, of course. Just be aware of any allergies or pain issues he might have. Give him a relaxing hand massage talking about how good the hand massage feels and maybe about the good old days, as well. Yes, men love hand massages

If you cannot afford or do not have time to get these gifts, give the gift of yourself. No matter how hard it is for you to visit, he will appreciate your company even though he may not be able to express it. Take him for a walk. Sing some favorite songs together. Give him a hand massage. Just share some quality time with him. You will both feel better.

Do remember to be upbeat animated and excited about visiting. No arguing, please.

These gifts are simple, inexpensive or free, and can be enjoyed by all.

Caregivers and healthcare professinals, dementia resource awaits your viewing


Information on being the best you can be caregiver


Here is an interesting dementia activity

Memorial Day-a perfect time to honor folks with dementia

healthnews-stat.com

Dementia,including Alzheimer disease, affects about one in 13 seniors,many of them veterans. As you remember our war heroes on Memorial Day,think about what you can do for them.They did so much for us.
Veterans who suffer from various forms of dementia, including Alzheimer disease, often have very specific care needs. It is important that these veterans are cared for by people who understand their condition and have the appropriate instruction and skills.

Therefore encourage family members of veterans to gain the training they need to care for their loved one with dementia.

For those in nursing homes and other institutions, make sure veterans with dementia are visited often.

All people, including those with memory loss, need human contact. They need to be hugged. They need to hear your voice. They may not know you but as long as you know who they are, that's all that matters.

Talk to them about their service to our country. Often they will share stories with you because their time in the service made a huge impression on them

Tell them how proud you are of them. Thank them for their service. This is sure to make them feel good. Most likely, it will make them smile

Smile with a veteran. Laughter is wonderful medicine...

Sing patriotic songs with a veteran with dementia. Often they will be able o sing many familiar songs even though, they may not be able.......read the whole article

For a great resource for those with dementia, caregivers and healthcare professinals, click here

For information on being the best caregiver you can be, click here

For more interesting dementia articles and activities, click here