Celebrating life at the end

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Here are more interesting dementia articles and activities,

Sharon Brothers MSW

Phones ringing at 1:00 in the morning never bring good news.

This weekend, our family experienced that 1 am phone call bringing news of the death of my husband's mother. It wasn't unexpected; in fact, it was a blessed relief for the entire family who had watched her growing increasingly weak and less responsive day by day over the past several weeks.

Early on, she would grasp our hands and say, "You know that I don't want to linger. I just want to go quickly." Initially we'd encourage her to hang on and fight, but, as time passed, it was clear that lingering wasn't adding to the quality of her life. We begin to spend the time we could with her laughing whenever possible, talking about her many grandchildren and their adventures, and sharing life with her. Sometimes we'd simply sit and hold hands with her while we watched the news or one of her favorite shows together.

Until the last day, she'd usually grasp our hand with both of hers and hold on tight. Even when she couldn't talk, she'd look in our eyes and communicate that she valued the time we spent with her.

On the last day, she no longer had the spark of life in her eyes, even though she continued to breath. She couldn't speak; perhaps she could hear us and feel our touch, but we couldn't see a sign of her spirit left in her body. We took our turns crying with her and each other; it was clear that we had lost her.

So when the phone call came, it was a blessed relief to know it was finally over for her physical body, too.

We were lucky to have all our children home this weekend. We had a chance to talk a bit about how we handle the death of loved ones, both personally and as a society. I instructed my eldest daughter to make sure I was cremated and put in a lime-green urn (she and I have a running joke about lime green being my favorite color), but mostly we talked about how right it is to mourn while at the same time recognizing that death is a part of each of our life journey.

My mother in law lived a good long life, just two weeks shy of her 91st birthday. This week as we gather with the large, close, extended family she left behind we will cry a little and laugh a lot as we remember - and celebrate - her life

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Family caregiving: when relationships add to the challenge

Here is a great dementia resource for caregivers and healthcare professinals,

Here is information on being the best caregiver you can be

Here are more interesting dementia articles and activities,

Sharon Brothers MSW

Are you a new family caregiver?

View a FREE training module Becoming a Caregiver

We've been discussing some of the most challenging aspects of family caregiving here among our team and we're convinced that the relationship shift is probably right at the top.

Shifting from spouse and equal partners to care provider and recipient must be incredibly difficult. I know from my own experience that shifting from autonomous parent-adult child relationship to one where the parent is dependent on the child for care is challenging and disconcerting.

What about when one sibling sees the parent as smiling, happy and capable (the face she presents to them) while another sees a despondent, helpless elder (the face presented to sibling #2).

Then there's the daughter that feels the need to resolve issues from childhood with a parent before it's too late; issues that bring up long-buried feelings of anger, pain and helplessness.

I remember Emma who, suffering with advanced dementia, needed physical reassurance almost continually throughout the day. She'd hug us frequently, hold our hands and, in general, give and accept physical affection. I didn't think much of it until one day her daughter came into my office and told me, "I don't remember my mother ever hugging me as a child. She simply did not do that - ever." It broke my heart to realize that this warm, loving woman had lived so many years of her life unable to give or receive affection from those closest to her.

As we're working on creating materials to train and support family caregivers we're curious: what's the biggest relationship challenge you've experienced in caregiving? How did you resolve this challenge - how did it affect the caregiving experience?